Dear diary...
Pearls, Swines, Prodigal.
It’s 12:07 am as I write this. I don’t know what it is I want to say or the story I want to tell as my fingers dance around the the keyboard on my ink stained screen but I do know I have to say something
There’s a scream deep within me threatening to pierce the silence that accompanies the night, but I can’t let it out. The chaos within me does not belong in this calm and I do not have the words to explain to anyone why I’m falling apart by midnight. I don’t have the words but I must say something,else I lose it and so I’m writing this.
I’m very sure my notes app isn’t surprised to see me here by this hour, it’s pretty much a routine at this point. (My Substack can’t relate lol)
I’m not going to give any motivational balderdash telling you the lesson I’ve learnt from this phase where I feel things I’m afraid to address.
Where everything I’m responsible for suffers from neglect because I’m spending too much time taming the scream inside
This phase where I explain away my unavailability and tardiness with words that make me sound self aware. Where I find a cause and a solution to the heaviness I carry only to end up right where I started.
A draining cycle, a pattern that seems to mock me. I who am able to self reflect and put myself back together after a fall is being taken round in circles by emotions I can’t seem to tame
It feels shameful and embarrassing. Not just being in this phase but being here as long as I have. Trying to stand and failing as many times as I have.
I’m not used to this, I don’t know how to deal with it and it angers me.
I know all the right things to do, I like to think I’ve done them but still…
Yeah okay, I actually haven’t done them. I’m too tired to
I’m exhausted. And while I know I need people around me in times like this I don’t know where to start from, I don’t know how to stretch out my hand
I don’t know how to ask for a hug or support from people on the green app without remembering that I have 3000 unread messages from 50 people who are probably accusing me of keeping them on read. Like I didn’t ignore myself too, feeding my attention with everything but my reflection.
It’s pretty clear that this is a ramble with no theme, this should very much remain in my private notes but it wouldn’t, so… I feel so many things right now and I don’t know what to do with it.
I need to come undone, to my father at least. I need to go naked in his holy presence as he licks my wounds and walks me through the paper cuts and seemingly harmless mistakes that brought me to this point. I need to. It’s the only thing that can help me right now but even that seems like hard work
I feel like I need to go to him when I’ve sorted this out, so I get a pat on the shoulder. So he knows the sacrifice he made for me in the beginning which was made manifest on the cross wasn’t a waste. So that he knows I’m being a good steward of the gifts and people he’s given me
It doesn’t make sense but that’s my truth.
Whew okay! That’s progress. I parrot the story of the prodigal son and many others but I realize now that these are brain knowledge
They’re not realities I’ve learnt to live
I don’t want to constantly go back to my father after countless mess ups, where I’ve squandered my time and neglected opportunities knowing he’ll welcome me back anyways just like he did the prodigal. That’s a story I absolutely love but it’s a reality I’m afraid to live in
To go back to my father smelling of the pigs I cast my pearls to because I know he’d take me back
I don’t want to be the 1 sheep he constantly leaves the 99 for.
I don’t want to need saving all the goddamn time! I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t want to need saving any more than he has given.
But he says he’s not offering me anything new, that the salvation and help I need right now in this moment he already gave it in the beginning and it counts for eternity. He says all of it is mine to take when I do need
But you see it’s love like this that scares me, it’s scary.
I want to work for my forgiveness and place, I want to earn His love. I want to give as much as I take and so I accept nothing till I feel like I can give something in return
But it’s counter productive, that’s earthly math
.
To ever be able to give, I must first be willing to receive. To take without feeling unworthy because in that is where transformation begins and I become an acceptable offering.
My head feels clearer and that voice sounds calmer, I have a Father that is able to bear me. All of me; uncertainties and mess inclusive. And he has a voice that’s able to change the tune of the one within me. This isn’t a cry for help btw.
If you do have tips on how to keep going even when you feel disappointed in yourself and you’re tired of helping the annoying being that is you please do share to my mail or in the comments. It would mean the world to me. Also let me know if this means something to you, I’d like to know that my scream wasn’t into a void. Thank you!